Answers to Important Questions About The Universe
 

We receive many questions here in VitoSpace. We try to answer them all; we are here to serve.

Many of the questions we receive involve the universe to one degree or another. For example, a common question is "Why are things the way they are?" Although the questioner usually doesn't realize it, that is essentially a question about the universe. (Answer: Because that's the way they are.)

Of course, there are many questions that appear to be about the universe, but really aren't—questions like the following:
  • "Why do I have to put up with this bullcrap?" (Answers: "You don't." or "Because you think you have to put up with it." or "Bullcrap is a state of mind...unless you get it on yer shoes.")
     
  • "What will happen if I come back on Tuesday?" (Answer: "Then it will be Tuesday. We're closed on Tuesdays.")

  • Generic "WTF?" questions, like:

    • "WTF?" (Answer: "Deal with it.")

    • "What's up with this shit?" (Answer: "Deal with it.")

    • "Dammit! Why does it have to be like this?" (Answer: "Quit whining and deal with it.")

Perhaps one of the most frequently asked questions is, "What is the actual name of the universe?" For those of you who have been tirelessly searching for that answer, we are happy to inform you that your search has come to an end: The name of the universe is "Bob".

NOTE
Not to be confused with The Church of the SubGenius, which —though it is demonstrably a part of "Bob"—is merely yet another manifestation of Bob's more whimsical, devil-may-care nature

We also receive numerous questions relating to various meteorological phenomena. Expectably, such questions occur with greater frequency during hurricane season. For example, we were deluged with a torrent of questions in the wake of Hurricane Katrina in 2005—questions like these:
  • "Are the Soviets controlling the weather?" (Answer: "No. This is 2005. There haven't been any Soviets for about 16 years. They're just 'Russians' now. Get over it.")

  • "But if the Soviets aren't controlling the weather, who is?" (Answer: "The black helicopters.")

  • "Is that the truth?" (Answer: "Yes.)

  • "Really??" (Answer: "Oh yes...in exactly the same sense that Genghis Khan was a saint, Al Gore invented the Internet, and Hitler never killed any Jews...he was really a nice guy.")

  • No, c'mon...really --  who's controlling the weather?" (Answer: "Bob.")

  • "Then why did they call it 'Katrina'?" (Answer: "Katrina is Russian for 'Kate'.")

  • "Yeah...so...?" (Answer: "Bob is short for Kate.")

  • "Bullcrap! You can't prove that." (Answer: "Oh yes we can. Listen to this.")

  • "So, like...is 'Bob' a transvestite, or something?" (Answer: "Bob is everything.")


Actual photograph of "Bob" cross-dressing as "Kate"

We also get a lot of questions about Bob's personal life:
  • "How did all this get here? I mean, like...where did the universe come from? (Answer: "Itself.")

  • "Whaddya mean, 'Itself"? What kinda commie pinko bullcrap is that?" (Answer: "Everything that exists has evolved from everything it used to be before it became what it is now, but it's all the same stuff. It just used to look different.")
  • "No, no...I don't mean, like last year, or a hundred years ago. I mean when it all started out." (Answer: "Everything used to be a lot smaller, and a lot hotter.")

  • "What the hell does that mean?" (Answer: "It means that everything is cool now...so chill out.")

  • "How old is the universe?" (Answer: "About 15 billion years.")

  • "Did the universe really start with the Big Bang?" (Answer: "As far as our science is able to tell, that's what happened. Check back in another 100 years and we'll be able to tell you more.")

  • "You mean...God didn't create it?" (Answer: "Of course God created it. That's the definition of God.")

  • "Why isn't there anything about the Big Bang in the Bible." (Answer: "There's nothing about the ice ages in the Bible either, but that doesn't mean they didn't happen.")

  • "Hah! Are you saying the Bible is wrong?" (Answer: "The people who wrote the Bible spoke their own truth as they understood it. The human species is still learning to refine its understanding of the truth, just as it always has. Any truths in the Bible are still true, but the Bible doesn't contain all the knowledge that has ever existed or ever will exist. That's a FACT. That doesn't make it 'wrong'. It just means that there are some questions the Bible can't answer...and was never meant to answer.")

  • "So...are you saying that the Bible isn't enough?" (Answer: "Are you sayng it IS enough? When you want to know what time it is, do you look it up in the Bible?")

  • "That's irrelevant." (Answer: "So is your last question.")

  • "Does the universe have a girlfriend." (Answer: "Sure...the universe has lots of girlfriends.")

  • "Oh yeah? What are their names?" (Answer: "Kate.")

  • "When is Bob's birthday?" (Answer: "Today.")

  • "But...hey, wait...then that means it's still creating itself...right?" (Answer: "Now you're catching on.")


Send us your questions about Bob, and we'll do our best to answer them.

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VitoSpace—your full-service cosmologists since 1962!

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